paint me a life
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: For a birthday present, Naoe brings Takaya to a museum.
1. Part 1

**Fandom: Mirage of Blaze  
Title: paint me a life.  
Pairing: Naoe + Takaya  
Rating: PG  
Description: For a birthday present, Naoe brings Takaya to a museum.**

**Disclaimer: Mirage of Blaze and Life in Mono aren****'****t mine.  
**  
"The stranger sang a theme,  
From someone else's dream  
The leaves began to fall  
And no one spoke at all  
But I can't seem to recall  
When you came along

Ingénue,  
Ingénue,  
I just don't know what to do

The tree-lined avenue  
Begins to fade from view  
Drowning past regrets  
In tea and cigarettes  
But I can't seem to forget  
When you came along

Ingénue,  
Ingénue,  
I just don't know what to do

Ingénue, I just don't know what to do…"

**paint me a life.  
by miyamoto yui**

Even though all signs had pointed towards the rain pouring today, I still ignored the warnings given to me by nature and Naoe. And so, when I got out of his car, I just closed the door with a perturbed expression on my face, making it very clear that I didn't want to be there with him. In fact, I didn't want to be around him.

It only increased the pain. And this only helped to spurn more of my frustration towards him.

But it was of no consequence to him. He closed his car door and silently put an umbrella over my head, knowing that I would have refused to share an umbrella with him. I glanced at him and sighed while saying, "This looks stupid."  
And so, I ended up pulling his sleeve so that we could share the umbrella that he had offered. I walked on in silence while his solemn face didn't react in any way. In fact, I was a little annoyed by the fact that he could be so unfeeling at the worst of times.

We balanced each other out that way. Whenever one of us was doing well, the other was guaranteed to be the exact opposite.

I glanced towards his direction, but his sunglasses revealed nothing but my reflection. Even those two pieces of glass had become my enemies in trying to understand him.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked as he shook the umbrella when we had found shelter at the entrance of the tall white building we were in front of us. There was much resentment in my voice and I wasn't going to color anything.

Even if he had remembered my birthday…

As the umbrella continued to drip onto the floor, he looked at me, but said nothing. He just simply nodded his head with a meaningful smile and paid for our admission.  
When we were walking through the halls, we saw many types of art pieces. From statues to melted metal, I was in awe of all the things we saw. I even forgot my irritation he uncomfortably always gave me.  
I looked onto all these pieces and admired each of them. There were some that were so beautiful that you couldn't believe it was meant for humans to gaze at while others seemed as if a nightmarish jamboree had collected itself in a childish fervor.

I wasn't able to touch anything, but there was one piece that I couldn't help but wanted to reach out towards.

It was a simple scene in which there were many, many trees rustling in the wind. It wasn't very detailed, but you could tell what things were by the way they were outlined.  
The trees were light green patches with brown stems that peeked out to show the trunk and branches. There was a light bluish-gray sky above it. And deceivingly, at first glance, it looked as if the sun was brilliant and reflected upon the dew on the leaves of these trees.

It wasn't that at all though.

Even with all the radiant light, there were still clouds and it was softly raining.

Overall, it was a peaceful scene, but looked so gloomy at the same time. Despite its beauty, the serenity of its atmosphere almost looked unbalanced.  
And then, that was when I noticed a straw umbrella to one side of the painting, however you couldn't tell if the umbrella was left alone or if someone was carrying it.

"You've been staring at this painting for quite a while, Takaya-san," Naoe commented and interrupted my thoughts.  
He was standing a few feet behind me, but came forward with only two feet distancing himself from my right side. My eyes glanced at him to find that his sunglasses were gone, and his eyes were also mesmerized by the painting before us.

"It somehow reminds me of something, but I don't know exactly what," I answered him, almost wanting to put my fingers onto the painting. Of course, I didn't, but I couldn't help but think that if only I could have touched it, then I would have understood the feeling it was trying to call out to me.

Then, my head fully turned towards his. "Is this what you wanted to show me, Naoe?"

Something was taking over me and the inside of my chest began to feel immensely heavy with sorrow. It was as if the painting and I were crying out to each other. I wondered why such a thing was causing me to react in such a weird way.  
But then, the same could have been said about the man who stood beside me.

I wanted to touch you too, but like this painting, even if I did, would that really get me anywhere?

"Yes. Partly."  
From the sound of his voice, I knew that there was something missing. I still couldn't fully understand his intentions or the message he was trying to tell me. Then again, I never understood.

Sometimes, I just didn't want to.

I leaned forward to look into the painting once more.  
As I stared at it, I began to see the contrast in the colors of the sky. Since it was "above" the trees, I  
had assumed it was the sky, but I was wrong. It was only the reflection of the sky on a lake.  
When I squinted my eyes, I saw what the umbrella was pointing at.

It was pointing towards the direction of an outline of a person frozen with the lake as its burial place.

And the water was no longer rain to me; it was frozen ice. Eternal ice that didn't want to melt and would forever stay in suspension within this painting.

I stepped back a bit.

It reminded me of myself. Of Naoe too…

"Why do you always do this to me?" I questioned with a pained expression as I turned to leave him behind.

He watched me as I walked in front of him and began to head towards the entrance.

I'll never understand you. You say you love me, but all you seem to do is to want to hurt me. How can that be love for you, Naoe?

It's been how many hundreds of years and still, you've not learned why I refused to accept you…

As I tried to run away from him, I ran faster and faster with my hands in fists. I burst through the raindrops and felt them as they slammed onto my face, crying the tears that I didn't know why, when, or how they were supposed to emerge from my being. And yet, I still continued to want to push through and comprehend everything about the past.

Yet, could I still make a future with the haunting of my past self?

I stopped to regard a poster of a samurai war movie under one of the bridges. I touched the main character and the water on my body dripped silently to the ground.  
They don't know anything about honor or glory. It's all commercialized now, but back then, it was everything.

Is this the future I'm trying to protect for myself?

Naoe, why…  
Why did you want to protect me when you kill me each time I see you?

It was then that Naoe emerged from the curtain of rain and breathed heavily, with his breath echoing through the cement walls of the underpass.

"You love someone from the past, Naoe." Still holding onto the poster and the wall behind it for support, I turned around to face him, feeling as if the water pouring from me was instead blood and making a river into nowhere in particular. "Probably someone who isn't here anymore."

Putting my left palm over my heart, I said, "I am me. I'm only Takaya Ohji!"

It was then that I pushed myself from the wall and went over to him. I put my head on his shoulder as I began to cry the rain storm that was forming throughout myself, from body, mind, and soul in all its confusion.

I know that deep inside, I understand. Of course I do. That's why I always look back to see if you are behind me, watching me as I go along. I also know that the more that I go back into the past, I'm trying too hard to live two lives.

But more than this, I'm starting to not care about anything, about anyone, about everything. I'm starting to just see you and me together, which shouldn't be.

I only want to touch you, like the painting.

But your love is so cold, Naoe.

And once after all is said and done, will we still look at one another like we are today?

Even with all this love and hate, are these the only two things binding us to one another?

Are these feelings the only things that bond us towards one another?

Even at the destruction of people's lives?

Even when we become strangers to one another, will these two forces bring us towards one another?

We want to break the cycle, but in order to do so…  
…we'll have to completely separate someday because we can't live like this.

Yet, we're too weak to fully go through that route which must be taken.

My heart became completely numb.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, but it wasn't enough. It didn't move me at all.

Whether before or now, my past and present selves were similar in one trait: We were proud creatures.

Harshly, I scolded, "You haven't earned anything of me, Naoe."  
**  
Tsuzuku****… / To be continued…**


	2. Part 2

**Fandom: Mirage of Blaze  
Title: Paint me a life  
Pairing: Naoe + Takaya  
Rating: PG  
Description: For a birthday present, Naoe brings Takaya to a museum.**

**Disclaimer: Mirage of Blaze doesn****'****t belong to Yui.**

**Paint me a life  
by miyamoto yui**

**(Part 2)**

My eyes flinched a bit.

It wasn't out of shock or surprise. Even though these piercing comments should not have made such an impression on me, they did. And as the years seemed to pass, these comments had become stronger in their threat.

The threat of losing and winning at the same time. That I was pushing myself from him and making him weak. But just as much, I was losing him and I was losing the person whom I both admired and envied at the same time.

At that moment, he pushed himself away from me and gave me a scathing look. I really should have been accustomed to this, but it never failed to fully thrust inside of me, making a wound that grew gradually the more I looked at him.  
And yet, my pride refused to let me lose all composure. I stood there watching him with an indifferent attitude so that he wouldn't know just how much he was cleanly cutting into me the more he gave me a look filled with so much hate.

"Maybe I shouldn't have done anything to you, but sooner or later, you were going to find out the truth." I didn't blink as I took a step forward. "And if anyone was going to tell you about yourself, it should have been me."

I earned that much. At least that much from you…

"What good does it do to fight wars that were waged in the past?!" He shouted at me as he grabbed my white collar. "Tell me, Naoe! What good does this do to everyone involved?!"

Looking deeply into his eyes, I couldn't help but feel so worthless. I was your right-hand man. I was the one who was supposed to protect you, and yet I was the one who was pulling you down with my jealousy towards everyone, including and especially you.

"It is not good and it is not evil. It just is. It's something you have to face," I answered him, unable to reach out and touch him.

I knew it was selfish. But through this war, I was able to see you again.  
I've been waiting so long to see you once more.

I cannot kill you. I don't want you to live without me.  
Can't you see that I can't make this decision because there really is no answer?

I don't want to answer these questions!

"And what will happen after this, Naoe?" His grip on my collar became tighter and more desperate. The look in his eyes became wild, confused, and frustrated all at the same time. "Do you think things will ever be 'normal' ever again? How am I-no, how are we all going to live through all of this?"

With all honesty, I calmly answered, "No. Things were never meant to be that way, Takaya-san."

Finally, with limp hands, he let go of me and stepped back once more. With a proud air about him, he gave me a blank look as he stared into my eyes. "Isn't it ironic that it's pouring on my birthday and we're talking about someone else's memories that I won't truly accept as my own?" He began to laugh as he turned around to leave me gazing at his wet footsteps.

"I brought you there because you were the one who sponsored that painting." I then looked at the ground with the rain pouring harder than ever before.

Takaya stopped walking while lifting up his head, giving the sign that he was listening to me.

"It is bittersweet to see you still attached to it."  
"Why did I sponsor it?"  
"You wanted something different from all the other painters of that time." I laughed at the thought. He was so arrogant that way.

"But the painter drew someone frozen in the lake. And you thought it was beautiful and disturbing at the same time. And when you asked why he had put that in there, he turned his head towards me. Not you."  
Takaya slightly turned his head towards my direction and his face was full of softness, as if the anger were never there.

"He said, 'I couldn't make a painting for Kagetora-sama without putting you in it. But even in my dreams, the image that came up was that you were buried in the lake.' And when I asked why was it me that was buried, he turned to you to respond to my question."  
"And…?"  
"He told you, 'Maybe it's a vision.' After that, you were going to give this painting to _her_ and you had an umbrella drawn in for her. But the painter laughed at you for such a foolish request even though he did it any way to please you."

I sighed as I said, "When he was finished, I was about to come into the room, but then I heard him explain the lake scene to you, 'He's there because of you.' With that, the painter packed up, bowed, and went away. I came into the room and the only thing you could do was stare at me as if I were a criminal. As if I had told him to tell you such a thing."  
"You were capable of it," Takaya countered as his eyes became a little bit smaller in shape, critical of my story.

"But if you ever forgave me for all I've done, could you really live with yourself?" I questioned him.  
"Can you ever look me in the eye and tell me straight to my face that you can go on without me?"

Tap, tap, tap…  
It was then that I walked towards him and he was about to run away from me once more, but I pinned him to the wall. I didn't look at him in malice, but nor did I give him a gentle look. With a serious expression in my face and hard eyes, I searched into his defiant ones.

"Without me, there _is _no_ you_."

Even if it was by force, I kissed him on the lips.  
Then, he pushed me away as he shook his head. "But who am I, Naoe? Because no matter what we do, this will never end."

He blinked his eyes and gulped while staring at me with squinted eyes about to cry, but too proud to. With an air of dignity, he sighed as he said, "We never want this to end, don't we?"

Then, he left me as the rain washed him away from my sight. His voice repeated in my head:  
"Isn't it ironic that it's pouring on my birthday and we're talking about someone else's memories that I won't truly accept as my own?"

You have to accept them, Takaya…  
Because if you don't, who am I without you?

I already know I'm a soul aimlessly wandering from body to body, but I've been looking for you. That's why even if you treat me this way, I'll accept it.

The answer is the same over and over, no matter how many times I say it or how many times you reject it as being insincere: "I love you."

Even though I was dripping wet, I went back to the museum to regard the painting once more. I smirked at the lower right hand corner which obviously was painted over when Kagetora-sama got upset that I had defiled his birthday gift that he wanted to give to that woman.

I had written a haiku over the green paint that he had added:  
**"****Someone in the rain  
began to cry in despair  
and I did nothing.****"**

In the end, he never gave it to her because I saw him holding the painting close to him behind the closed screen doors of his room.

With a heavy heart and a smirk on my face, I was both happy and sad that I affected you in such a way. And you didn't notice my hands trying to grab hold onto the paper doors, cringing.

Wanting so much to crush the leader I hated…  
…and touch the person I loved so, so much.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** Yes, it is slightly confusing to have two different perspectives even though there's no indication of the separate parts but that I divided them. That was to add to the confusion because if there was one thing very true to Mirage of Blaze, that was _"__confusion__"_.  
I chose to do this title because I am very attached to Naoe and Takaya, which reminds me of Ai no Kusabi and Tokyo Babylon in their sado-masochistic love/hate relationships. Even though I only watched a few episodes of this series, I am quite happy with it. I just hoped I was able to capture the feel of this title. It is because these two characters are very hard for me to do at this time, especially when I don't know too much and trying not to make them too ooc was quite a challenge. It's like writing Seishirou or Yuki from Gravi. If I don't balance it out, I make them out to be too sappy or mean bastards.  
And I didn't want to do that.

Thanks to everyone reading the fics so far! I am still on a writer's block and I thought I was quite slow with producing fics. ^^;;;

**Thursday, July 08, 2004**


End file.
